I am wandering around the house in bright red lipstick. A mad bow in my hair and my floaty kimono wafting around me as I skip down the stairs, narrowly avoiding killing myself because my lovely Meep, a carpet of a cat, insists on rolling on each step as I try to get to the front door in all my lipsticked glory, laughing and cursing him as I swing the door open and dazzle the window cleaner.

He stares at me in surprise. It is eight o’clock in the evening and I do believe I might look like I have opened a house of ill-repute. Bloody hell, he says. And I laugh. And tell him I was trying out a new lippie, and he says trying out a new car too, because yes, I have managed to sort out a little car (or the She-Shed as it will hereby be known) and I say yep, all change here, and he picks the cat up and gives my cheek a little pinch as if I am five years old, while I blink back tears and count out his money in pound coins I have stolen from Finn’s money box. Honestly you would think the window cleaner was my only visitor, the number of times I talk about him wouldn’t you? #mustbuymyselfalife

Thank heaven’s though, he didn’t look down and notice my feet are in plastic bags. For oh yes, this is how I roll these days. I combine red lipstick with the kind of foot peeling treatments that render my feet soggy and frightening while eating so much watermelon its quite possible I am growing a tree in my much flatter than it used to be tummy. Though let it be said that a quick google suggests watermelons very definitely do not grow on trees. I swear the gaps in my knowledge would appal you but I can do all sorts with a lemon, so there’s that right? There is still hope…

Finn is away on a jaunt around London and I am here alone. It is quite the oddest feeling to not have anyone to cajole out of bed, or to have to try to keep myself awake until I hear him arrive home and lock the door behind him. After too many long sleepless nights, harassed by the grimmest of anxiety fuelled acid reflux, for the past two I have tumbled into crazy dreams as the sun has risen, and woke up blinking in surprise as I hear the school traffic gathering on the lane.

I had worried about it – this mini me-alone trial. Just me and Meep muddling about, exactly as it will be if Finn gets to university this September. But there has been an ease to it I had not expected. The tickle of freedom I used to feel. Keeping my own silly hours. Napping when I need to. Pulling out weeds. Living on smoothies. Dancing to the same songs over and over again, spinning around the living room bashing into the furniture and singing at the top of my voice as I charge along on the treadmill to the chorus of Hate Me by Blue October.

And of course there are the gaps where Ste used to be, but I know now that it is time to live again. That try as I might I cannot reach him anymore and there isn’t any point in trying now. Because the silence hurts too much. So I dance. And read. And drive the little blue She-Shed backwards and forwards to the shops and meditate in my rosy armchair and drink coffee with friends and lose entire evenings talking and giggling on the phone. And it is ok. It is all ok. The tears only come now in the face of other peoples empathy for us both. For heavens people are so very kind. I don’t think I have ever felt so cradled by kindness in my life.

So today. A bowl full of watermelon and prawns. And a shufty around with the hoover. A drive to a distant train station to pick Finley up, and then a late evening full of my gorgeous boy and his stories from the Big Smoke. This wonderful boy-man who has been so incredibly strong despite his own pain.

If I could I would keep him for always. Right here sitting on the sofa next to me. But that isn’t parenting is it? Parenting is doing everything I can to help him through the last days of college so that what has happened to us doesn’t blight his tomorrows in the way his tutors have been so concerned it will. Parenting is saying you have got you whole future ahead of you and I absolutely will not allow you to stay here and look after me because I’m all grown up and I can cope, baby. I really can. Look! I’m wearing red lipstick and serenading Machine Gun Kelly! I’ve bagged up my feet and there’s bone where there used to be only flesh! I’m still saying yes to everything that is offered to me. Still determined to rise from the ashes, I promise. And yes we miss him. Of course we do. But we are doing all we can to view this with all the empathy and kindness we can muster between us and that’s what matters – that we don’t stop caring but learn to manage with what is, in this moment. And thrive regardless! Try to be nice, but never fail to be kind, remember?

We’ve got this Finn. You and me. Because we make the bestest team and you my Darling are going to shine.