And so I have had to let him go and there is no point talking about it because it has been confusing, terrible and so very, very sad, but at the end of seven years I have no regrets at all because I loved Ste and I still want the very best for him because I know that the only person he is deliberately hurting is himself.

Seven weeks on, I am different. I mean obviously I am still the same: in fact I remain bonkers and have just poured some dry cat food into the washing machine dispenser and run it through a boil wash – for the second time!! But in so many other ways I am different. I am two stone five pound down because the first steps of my Put Alison Back Together Plan have worked a treat and the weight has fallen off me. I feel a hundred times better, but still have weight to lose and so this is where my focus lies at the moment: feeling lighter in both body and soul. Putting ME first, instead of bending my heart at will to try to help someone else thrive.

Of course it was always up to me. Ste, I know, blames himself for my failure to look after me, but it wasn’t his fault. While there have been various blows to my self-esteem over the past few years, I am and always have been responsible for myself, and as someone who makes a living empowering women to believe in themselves enough to create authentic, satisfying lives, I understand this better than most. But we are complicated creatures aren’t we? Sometimes we choose to ignore the links between cause and effect and those like me tunnel through trauma and pain always believing that there are better times on the other side. That there is always something to be hopeful about even when we KNOW we aren’t doing what we should. Procrastinating over that we believe we can set aside. Putting off the things we need to do for ourselves because we are all too quick to pop ourselves at the bottom of our own lists.

But no more. I have to shift my focus back to myself. So today for the sake of accountability I bring you an update on what I am doing now as I work my way slowly through the grief and loneliness of what feels so very close to the sudden death of someone I loved.

First up then, my inch/weight loss for the week.

Overall weight loss: 33 pounds/14kg (four pounds in the last week)

Total inch loss: This week – 9 inches (bust/waist/hips/thighs/knees/upper arms – combined)

And now the second part of my Put Alison Back Together Plan

• As the anti depressants have kicked in, and the tears have all but stopped, I am finally allowing myself to speak my truth. To call out painful behaviour and to reign in instinctive kindness where it is no longer appropriate or reciprocated. It frightens me if I’m honest because it feels like the burning of much yearned for bridges, but there isn’t any choice now, and acting from a place of quiet integrity matters when life feels ragged around the edges doesn’t it?
• I am counting Macro’s properly now. Although I started out falling into the usual Atkins style program that once helped me to lose nine stone in as many months, my body said no and caused quite a tantrum in terms of significant and painful anxiety fuelled acid-reflux, It was not fun because I’m almost a middle-aged old lady now and it seems my digestive system was having none of it. So I am taking My Macro’s advice not to cut out any of the macros and I’m doing my best to meet my calorie deficit daily, and get all the protein, carbs and fats in that I apparently need. But heckity pie it is hard! It seems I peck like a little bird and eating all the calories I’m supposed to be shoving down is a daily challenge: BUT eating more definitely means I LOSE more. So I’m committed to many little meals over the day and it works.
• I have moved a TV into my bedroom. I know it is a scandal, but I’m finding the living room so hard in the evenings, as Finn is out so often and I feel Ste’s absence most at nine-ish when we would always sit down to snuggle on the sofa and carry on watching whatever box set we were enjoying, chatting and simply being together. And so, simply for a change of scenery – something that feels mine – I am stretching on the bedroom rug as I devour a really silly cosy mystery series called Only Murders In the Building (Disney).
• I have hired a gardener, because in-between work, Fin, the house and the full time job that seems to be dieting (ha ha!) I just haven’t had time to really tackle it properly and I’m scared of the chainsaw thingy I need to cut back the ivy growing thick and fast over the outbuildings, so Finn’s friend Harry’s lovely Dad, Sean, is going to come and sort it all out for me and I couldn’t be more grateful.
• I’m still treadmilling my way up imaginary hills and have now, encouraged by the My Macro’s community, added a little kettlebell routine to my plump lady routine. Fin has told me I now have knees which is a bit of a worry really because who knows how I was bending my legs before now?
• I am binning things willy-nilly! The urge to wipe the slate clean is strong and I’ve been getting in my little she-shed and going backwards and forwards to the tip chucking out all that no longer has a place in my life. There is still a lot of Ste’s things here and though I’m resisting the urge to bin them too (honest!), I am starting to pack them into boxes so that I am not reminded of him at every turn because the house needs to feel like it is mine now and that means making gentle changes going forward.
• I have pre-ordered Why Did You Stay? By Rebecca Humphries: a book that describes itself as “a memoir of toxic love self-worth”. Because I need to understand the compelling and destructive power of trauma bonds and co-dependancy from a voice I can relate to, so I can see a future free of both.
• I am treasuring every moment I get with Finn. Yesterday we watched the oh so wonderful Big Boys on Channel Four – a perfect depiction of the confusion of university life and mental health issues in young men and then lost a whole evening talking our way through our lives and stitching our little heads together, Nothing, oh but nothing in this life makes me feel quite as blessed as Finn does.
• I am starting the careful, baby step by baby step process of visualising a new life for myself because in two years time I’ve got to move out of this house as the landlady wants to sell and it is I suppose an opportunity for a fresh start. While I find the very idea utterly terrifying, it would not do to become paralysed by fear over what will become of me (oh my!), and instead I know I need to take life by the horns and steer it in the direction I need it to go in. So my vision board is filling up all over again and in the midst of my sadness I am giving myself permission to dream my own dreams.
• I have had to postpone my Integrative Nutrition course. Ste bought it for me for my fiftieth birthday but isn’t paying for it now, so I’ve had to pause the course and payment plan while I try to steady my own ship long enough to manage financially, and get life back to some semblance of normality. I am absolutely gutted about it, but what is for you doesn’t pass you and there isn’t much point in dwelling on what cannot be right now and I’m ok with that now.
• And finally, I think I am feeling what I suppose is strength taking root again. I have felt almost pathetic recently, raw and exposed and as if all was lost. But that is almost never true in this life is it? All is NEVER lost. What wasn’t for you may have passed you by, and perhaps the longing for its return might just become part of the blood swimming in your veins for always, but all is not lost and as the weeks go by I am starting to see what peace there may be in letting go. In watching from afar and seeing what plays out.

And so there you have it, a little more from the pits of despair ha ha! But I hope from my own pit, those of you also dwelling in yours, will find a little inspiration and drive to keep moving forward, for while I do not believe resilience is necessarily a good thing, (because all too often we have to have suffered quite significantly in order to keep on rolling with the punches), there is no doubt that the ability to keep on getting up, whenever life tries to knock us down is a tool for our own survival that we really shouldn’t take for granted. as not everyone is so blessed (or burdened!).